Holzer + DAG = American Idol
I have this bad habit (or amazing gift, however one may look at it) of looking at some people, and finding the similarities in facial appearances of other people, very similar to what Conan does with his "If they had a kid" skit. Also, ESPN page 2 has "Here's Looking at You" where they post 2 pictures of someone in the sport world, with some other celebrity (
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=looking/index). Anyway, I'm watching American Idol, which since I now live in the burbs is a strictly enforced rule, and one of the contestants reminded me of someone...Here's the picture of the Idol contestant, Giddeon McKinney:
Immediately, I knew this guy had a familiar looking face (and dance moves). The first thought that came to mind, was David Alan Grier, of In Living Color and Jumanji fame, pictured below.
But that wasn't it. There was still something missing. Then it hit me. Giddeon was a cross between David Alan Grier, and ....
That's right. If Holzer and Grier had a love child, it would certainly be Giddeon McKinney.
Now that I got that out of the way, it's back to staring at the picture below.
New Caption Contest
Since there was clamoring for it, I thought we could have this week's caption contest with this photo from Sestriere, Italy.
Bonjourno and Ciao!
Well the Schwizz is back from an interesting week in Italy, and I must say, it was quite the circus that I expected it to be. You don't sleep much, you eat a lot of salted cured meats and cheeses, and stuff your face with Pasta and Red Wine/Beer at odd hours.
I will say the Italians have it down. They really just march to a different drum. If they feel like closing up shop for an hour during the day, they just do it. If they want to add a techno beat to any song they feel like it, they do it (think Phantom of the Opera meets Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah).
The Olympics were chock full of celebs doing shots and dancing/partying. We were able to spend some time with Miss March 2002, who definitely had a hard time keeping up with the other young models she was toting around with. We were able to party with Tom Green who is every bit as weird as everyone thinks. And we were able to see the first daughter having a little too much fun in the mountains of Sestriere.
So with the Olympics going on still, today is my Top 5 things I like about Italy.
5. Marvin Hagler became a movie superstar here
4. No one checks your train ticket, yet everyone still buys one
3. You can buy beer in two packs...i think that is cool
2. The coffee bars are excellent. You can drink the coffee or beer at 10am. Dealers Choice
1. All the girls that wear tiny little nose rings. Its fascinating.
So know I will try to stop thinking everything is 6 hours ahead and get back on schedule. As they say, when in Rome. i still don't know what that means.
Cohagen, Give the People Aiyeyererer
I'm on my way to the dentist today, and thought about having to sit in that chair and have them rip into my mouth. Next thing I'm thinking about is the chair that Arnold sits in for Total Recall. So, my next thought is the title, thanks to YJIT for his love for the phrase. So, what are your favorite Arnold quotes?
5 - It's not a tumah
4 - Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.
3 - Title reference
2- C'mon..Keel mee...I'm heeah...Do it noawww...
1- Get yaw ass to mahhhhsss!!
Mustache Party Update!
We have just learned that, contrary to popular belief, two wayward members of our group did in fact attend a mustache party last weekend. However, it was a private party with a guest list of two. Nevertheless, an intrepid papparazzi was able to snap this picture before getting forcibly ejected from the premises.
Mustaches A-Poppin'!
As was predicted in this space on Friday, it was certainly a busy weekend indeed: Oatmeal Cookie shots, Mustache Parties, bridal registries, 2 feet of snow, and, as an added bonus, Dick Cheney shot someone (can't wait for the Fox News angle: "Lawyer Involved in Theft of Cheney's Buckshot" -- or, "Cheney Makes Ammunition Donation to Local Supporter"). Perhaps others will post their own recaps of their weekends - I know The Schwizz will have some interesting things to say from Turino based on his text message to me on Saturday night. Something about Barbara Bush, Miss May 2002, jello shots, and a jacuzzi. One only hopes he was referring to the YOUNG Barbara Bush.
In any event, onto the real purpose of this post: Mustache pics! Please enjoy them and let me know if you want me to e-mail you the whole set (if you haven't already seen them). Also, feel free to leave a comment noting how incredibly sexy, sleazy, and/or gay we all looked.
YJIT
Busy Weekend Preview Post
Well, it's going to be quite a crazy weekend for the members of Dancing With the Schwizz (f/k/a City Vue, f/k/a The Schwizz). Here's a brief preview of what to expect.
The Schwizz: Heading out to Torino (or is it Turin? Or Turino?) tonight. We expect a busy weekend of tappin', crappin', and textin'. With possibly some sticks and skins thrown in for good meausure. Although I heard a rumor that if you ask for mozzarella sticks in Italy, you get thrown in prison. We expect a full recap of his weekend to be posted on Dancing With The Schwizz in due course.
But I Want One Now!: Continues and concludes his week-long, whirlwind tour of Europe, including Paris, and, um, well Paris, and Paris. A team of reporters will be dispatched to Plainview on Sunday evening to monitor the status of his bowels after a full week of eating nothing but steak and fries.
Maybe I Can Help: Honestly, I can't remember what he's doing this weekend, but I seem to recall he's out of town. I do know he's now entering Day 25 of his cold, so hopefully whereever he is, there will be lots of rest, recouperation and stryufadell to be had.
Yes, Joe, It's Toasted: Last but not least, Yes Joe has a busy weekend planned. Tonight: Hit up that bar everyone who's anyone has been talking about,
Barcelona Bar, and avoid the Darth Vader shots at all costs. Rumor has it there will be a guest appearance from the great APU and maybe, just maybe, Maybe I Can Help will make a showing as well. Tomorrow: The reason I've been growing this cursed goatee for the past month -- Yes, it's the Third Annual Mustache Party at
Bourbon Street, which I believe Bookie D will be attending. Yes, I'll be sure to post some pics on Sunday. For the nostalgic, I've posted a pic from last year's party here. Finally, Sunday: The Flitgirl and I have a 10:30 am appointment at Crate and Barrel to register. That's right, register. Jeez, I guess I really
am getting married. Imagine that. There are also unconfirmed rumors of a Sunday afternoon poker game at the humble abode of It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time, but those have yet to be confirmed.
Until next time!
YJIT
Things That Are Worse Than Watching a Knicks Game
I felt it was high time to make a post about what was once my favorite franchise in all of sports, the New York Knicks. I know, it seems patently ridiculous now, but in the halcyon days of the early and mid 1990's, I lived and died with every possession of every game, and every Knick playoff loss would nearly reduce me to tears. Now, thanks to the expert management of Isiah "Chester the Molester" Thomas and the brain-dead ownership of Douche Bag Dolan, they've become a sad joke, the punchline of the NBA, with no improvment in sight for the next 10 years. Amazingly, they are so bad, they've turned me off of the entire sport of basketball. And that's something I could never say for the Mets at their worst (think Jeff Torborg) or the Giants (think Ray Handley or Dave Brown). As bad as those teams were, I never lost my interest in baseball or the NFL. Maybe it's because I always felt that Mets and Giants management had some clue of what there were doing, so there was always hope. With the Knicks, both the owner and the GM are completely deranged, so really, there's no way out.
All of which is a long-winded way of posting today's top 5 list. Yes, it's the Top 5 Things That Are Worse Than Watching A Knicks Game. Feel free to add any of your own.
1. Full root canal, administered with a rusty pen knife
2. Doing 15 warm "Darth Vader" shots at Barcelona Bar (that's Jager and Captain Morgan's to you)
3. Sitting through the full run of Britney and K-Fed's reality show with your eyelids pried open like in A Clockwork Orange
4. Saying to our poker group, "I need some tax advice"
5. Watching a YES Newtork puff piece on the 2000 World Series
Top 5 Things I've Learned in the Past 24 Hours
While we await The Schwizz's grand Super Bowl Recap Post [EDIT -- SEE THE POST BELOW THIS ONE FOR THE SCHWIZZ'S TAKE], I thought I'd fill the space with this inane musing.
1. While Tom's sausage bread tastes great, consuming more than 2 pieces may result in intense gas pains.
2. Coke has now come out with Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. I'm drinking it with my lunch as I type this. Not bad. Grape Coke is next, I guess.
3. The Rolling Stones are old. VERY old.
4. When it comes to cooking mozzarella sticks, Sonny folds under pressure.
5. Stryufadell from Ramona's in Franklin Square tastes good, but leaves one coated in powdered sugar like a coke fiend.
BONUS REVELATION #6: "Dancing With The Schwizz" would make a great reality show.
Steelers, and Silcone/Snoop, and Seahawks, and Puppies Oh My!
After spending several days in the Super Bowl city of Detroit, and then going to Sonny's yesterday, it was certainly a whirlwind weekend. There were no
Michael Irvin sightings, however I did stay at the Seahawks team hotel where I tried to steal the Game Plan/Playbook from Matt Hasselbeck while in the elevator. I also saw such esteemed ABC network stars as Jim Belushi, Kyle McLachlan from InJustice, the black doctor from Grey's Anatomy, and a couple other non-descript individuals.
The highlight was probably the silicone laden Penthouse Party, where Snoop Dog proceeded to smoke more weed than was in the bag from Club Paradise while on stage getting 1000 white people to yell Smoke Smoke. Classic.
After 3 hours on a hotel floor it was back on the Northwest flight home to the beautiful suburbs on Long Island, where i was plied with every bar food known to man (great job Sonny). I think I still have some of Tom's Sausage Bread clogged in myartery (see last post for picture of Sausage Bread).
I would have to say this game had a lot left to be desired. I think I've been more interested in watching the Subway Sandwich artists or the Cold Stone Creationists. Man, who doesn't love a good Caramel Turtle Creation. Jerome Bettis could be the Stay-Puff Marshallow Man, and Bill Cowher turns more tricks than a C-Level Porn Star at the AVN Awards. In any event, it was nice to see the Steelers win, so we can shut my friend Adam Weiss up for a little while.
Thinking that the commercials would help us out we waited patiently, but that really didn't work either. But, then with a glimmer of hope, we found Animal Planet's
Puppy Bowl II. Don't ask what happened to Puppy Bowl I, because I haven't been able to find it anywhere on DVD, but this was by far one of the greatest highlights of Super Bowl lore. Who doesn't love a beagle getting his ass kicked my a Pomeranian.
In the end, I left Sonny's with a stomach ache, a small buzz from the several beers I drank along with the remnants of the 18 vodka red bulls I drank the night before, and $500 because I was the lucky schmo who had 1 and zero at the end of the game. Thank god for Mike Holmgren's clock management ineptitude.
That said, today's Top 5 is what should The Schwizz do with his $500.
5. Buy a $500 30 year Savings Bond?
4. Pay off my VIP Star Trek Club back dues
3. Put it towards the child support for my love child in Los Angeles?
2. Trademark "Dancing with The Schwizz", TV's next hot reality show
1. Two Words - Montreal Escorts
Pointless Diversion of the Day - Maybe of the Year
Do yourself a favor. Go
here. Try to make words without having other people steal your letters. Waste time. Lots and lots of time. You won't be able to stop. It's maddening.
How I Spent my Weekend Vacation
(my favorite sign in the Bahamas)
A few months ago I decided to book a trip for me and my significant other (for argument's sake, let's call her Kristen) for a weekend in the Bahamas. The months flew by and last week, while checking out the website for our little weekend vacation, we found out that our hotel was hosting the "Michael Jordan Celebrity Golf Classic".
Awesome!
So, here is a list of the celebs that we saw, along with a brief blurb.
Michael Jordan- the big man himself was the first person we saw. he had just finished up a round and was walking with some guy carrying his clubs... one second sooner and he would have knocked us down turning the corner by hotel entrance. We also saw him in the casino many time, which should come as no surprise.
Amahd Rashad- We saw him wearing a goofy hat buying cigars with Charles Oakley
Charles Oakley- wearing the same goofy bucked hat in the cigar store... Oak was also seen a few times at the craps table. he was loud and fun. Unlike LT
Lawrence Taylor- Saw him playing $15 Caribbean Stud with a cigar in his hand and a sour look on his face. We were looking for his Super Bowl ring, but realized that it was on some crack dealer somewhere.
Charles Barkley- Had the ladies all over him at the blackjack table
Roger Clemens & wife- she took my spot at a $25 blackjack table after I got my ass kicked. Roger was standing over me like impending death. He's bad luck.
Derek Jeter- cheap-ass tool... playing $15 blackjack. Surrounded by men that I assume he will be pleasuring later on in the evening.
Jim Brown- I thought this guy found religion... but he was drinking, smoking a stogie, and gambling at a high roller table
Fat Joe - This guy had a diamond the size of a 90 year old man's prostate in his ear (as opposed to Jeter who just had a prostate in his ear.
Phil Gordon - he was always around the casino. he was always hanging with David Schwimmer. I feel like I personally know Gordon because I have run in to him at least a half-dozen times at casinos.
David Schwimmer- at first I had respect for this dude because he was hanging with Gordon. Then we walked through our lobby and saw him hanging on a couch with 5 18 year old girls literally bouncing up and down in front of him while he had his most annoying "Ross" face on. I hated him for many reasons.
John McEnroe- Saw the Mac walking through the casino while I was playing craps. I glanced over and caught a glimpse. At the same table, some girl said that Tom Brady was like 15 feet away, but I didn't see him, so I don't count that.
Terrell Owens- Just walking through the casino.... the less anyone says about TO, the better
Cedric The Entertainer- we saw him the most. he was all over the place dressed in his all white linen outfit with white kangol hat. one night at dinner we saw him with his family and some other posse members. Including....
Vince Coleman- yeah, thats right, he is now part of Cedric's posse. To be honest, the only way I recognized him was because his picture was in the program for the golf outing.
Alan Thicke- with a hot blonde that i assume to be his wife, or granddaughter walking out of Nobu, Atlantis. While doing research on how to spell his name, i laughed my ass off at his site. (turn your speakers down)
I should start writing for US Weekly... or Gawker
