The Chronic
Post Christmas Treat. I just really like this. I mean I am droppin Hamiltons like Aaron Burr.
Happy Kwaanza!!
http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Video/?c=Saturday_Night_Live/snl_1432_narnia&n=saturday_night_live
The TWU and Other Criminals
There is a great
editorial in the Daily News today that really does sum up what I feel about this strike nonsense. I confess I don't really know if their grievances are legit or not, but frankly, I don't care. Cops can't strike, firemen can't strike, EMTs can't strike, and transit workers can't strike. They knew it when they signed up for their jobs. It is one thing if you're underpaid, it's another thing to take a whole city down with you with sadistic tactics like this. Really outrageous.
Having said that, I've had a relatively easy go of it thus far - been carpooling from the UES with 3 other guys from my office (all of whom live just a few blocks from me), and we've been cruising down the FDR, since there's no line to get on at 90th St (the big backup starts higher up, where the cops are checking cars for 4 people one at a time, apparently). Yesterday we got to battery park in like 15 minutes, and today was around 30. Not bad. Trip back was a little rougher last night, an hour door to door.
Props to the judge who are fining these criminals $1 mil a day. If only this Toussaint lunatic had to pay it out of his own pocket. I propose a class action of all NYC commuters against him in his personal capacity when this is all over.
Feel free to share thoughts, stories, etc.
Y.J.I.T.
Of Buses and Crackheads
So Sonny and I went to the Giants game on Saturday evening - a fine game all around, though a bit chilly up in Section 332. But it was not until the bus ride back until the fun really began. I don't know if the printed word can do this story justice, but let's give it a try.
It all started on the endless bus line outside Gate D (as in Diesel). Sonny and I passed the time spitting sunflower seeds onto the back of the girl in front of us. Eventually, as one bus line turned into ten lines, I had the bright idea of switching from line 1 to line 2, since it looked like bus 2 was going to leave 5 nanoseconds earlier. Not a good move in retrospect.
As we settled into our seats in the second row, we were lucky enough to have two crackheads sitting behind us. Seriously. This couple made
Bubb Rubb and Li'l Sis (pictured) sound like Rhodes Scholars. So as Li'l Sis was chatting away behind me ("dub-don' donn'ah do dome, dah dop" is a small sample - I wish I were exaggerating), the bus starts to pull into traffic - whereupon its drivers' side mirror is sheared away by another bus. So Stumpy the Bus Driver, after yelling at the guy to stop, proceeds to call in the incident to his supervisor, and drives on.
That is, until he pulls off the highway ten minutes later and stops at an unknown intersection for an unknown reason in Butt Fuck, NJ. Apparently, he has been told to "stay dere and wait for uh mechanic." This did not sit well with the 75 drunken passengers, who could've been told this fact BEFORE the bus left the stadium, in order to allow them to get on a different bus. Or, as Li'l Sis stated, "doo don' deed do dirrah doo dive dis duss!" Needless to say, druken insults began hurtling from the back of the bus toward Stumpy (my personal favorite: "drive this bus, you fuckin' oompaloompah!!"), who then called his supervisor and told him he had a near-riot on his hands.
It was at this point that Sonny and I escaped from the bus with our lives, desperately flagging down a car from the Butt Fuck NJ Taxi Company to take us into Manhattan. And as we drove into the night, I looked back at the bus, and I could've sworn I heard someone saying "dapp don' dake dah dab dack doo duh ditty!"
Sonny, let me know if I left anything out.
Bored In Denver
Man, the worst thing in the world could be waiting for a red eye, if you can call it that, at the Denver International Airport. It's 3 and a half hour flight that leaves at 12:55am. Man that sucks.
I just spent and hour in the smoking lounge, because I thought that was the only place that had a TV to watch the football game. But, alas, I was able to find even bigger degenerates at the TV by the food court area, where I was able to scarf down 3 soft tacos from Taco Bell. Ahhh, road food, the best for ya.
Better yet, I am stuck holding my bags, because the Jet Blue people haven't even shown up yet for this godforsaken flight.
I saw a movie this afternoon, and I was reminded of my favorite commercial right now, other than the
Miller Lite Flavor Flav spot. It is the Happy
Christmahanukwanzakah spot from Virgin Mobile. The two jews and the gay elf are hilarious. Talk about throwing PC out the window this holiday; Hallelujah!
Don't let anyone ever try to tell you that drinking at 10,000 feet is the same as drinking in NYC. A shot of Jaeger hurts a lot more in Breckenridge than it does at Brother Jimmies Esat Side.
The other day I was involved in a DUI when this girl whose brother was driving me back to my hotel got pulled over. Talk about dumb luck in getting a girl to come back to your place. Her brother got carted off to jail, and she got carted to my hotel room. Whatever happened to "Wanna see my CD Collection".
Alright, I'm outta here. I was thinking. Now that we got this site going again, let's try to get as many people reading it again. I mean, it is pretty entertaining, and full of current events if you ask me.
The Schwizz....Out from DIA
Photoshop War
In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...
The Schwizz-Team.
I realize that posting photoshopped photos of friends is only entertaining for a few people, but I'm a realist and know that only a few people read this blog.
Top this, Tom
Next week on Seinfeld: No worries, it's all good.
Chester Copperpot and Other Musings
Sonny Duke forwarded me this great picture of the Goonies cast reunited.
This presents a four-part challenge (Sonny Duke and I are excluded from participating):
(a) Name each person, left to right.
(b) Name the character each individual played in "Goonies" (with the exception of one, who did not appear in the film).
(c) Which of these persons appeared in "Lucas"?
(d) Which of these persons is (no joke) my mom's sister's husband's sister's stepson?
First person to correct answer each question wins a shot of my choosing.
Just Some Good Ol' Boys...
Never meaning no harm. Although I must say Sonny Duke has a very oddly-shaped head. Must be one of those inbred rednecks.
My Eyes!
So, I was searching the internet for the sleaziest picture that I could find, when I came across this photo of the Scwizz and Toasty Joe. Apparently it's from a pilot for a late night 70's adult cop drama called "Chips Dips Chains Whips".
You guys look like you're having fun chasing down speeding adult film stars in The Valley. I just wonder how someone so blonde can have such a dark 'stache.
Nice white boy fro, Schwizz.... Alright!
Chips & Other Musings
Yes, after a long long while, The Schwizz has returned. I was watching TV the other day and I heard that they were making
"CHiPS" into a movie and Wilmer Valderamma is going to be cast as Frank Poncherella.
That led me to think why couldn't Danny and I be in this flick. I mean look at the two of us; drunk off Jaeger and ready to jump on our bikes and fight crime. That's safe.
In any event, I think everyone should be able to come up with a Top 3 of who should play the other dude, who no one ever seems to remember. I think that the dude who played one of the Duke boys could step into this role in a second.
I went to this bar in Breckenridge the other night called The Brown Hotel, and it could rank up there as one of my Top Bars ever. Not only did they have Pabst in bottle, yes bottle!, they had bar games galore. From Pinball to darts to foosball to billiards to ping pong to even air hockey. Next Sunday they are having Triple Crown III which is a competition of Billiards, Foosball, and Ping Pong. I mean who could ask for anything better.
That brings to my new and improved Top 5. We always talk about Sticks, Skins, and Wings, but what truly are the Top 5 bar foods. Well here are mine.
5. Skins - add a little sour cream and your golden
4. Cocktail Weiners - yes they are at Blondies and I want them
3. Tenders - I am a sucker for some could tenders with up to 5 dipping sauces
2. Sticks - There is something about getting a good stick and having the cheese stretch out the door of the bar
1. Wings - nuff said, dunzo - we could actually have a debate over best wings in the city next
Later from Breckenridge.
Schwizz
A Great Birthday/Put the Whammy on Alge
Just wanted to give some props to the folks who showed up at the Gael Pub on Saturday night for my 32nd birthday extravaganza. In keeping with the Schwizz's "top 5" theme, here are the top 5 things about my birthday this past weekend:
1. Possibly the best cake I've ever tasted, complete with a design of a football going through goalposts.
2. Giants win!!
3. Excellent dinner at Penang last night with mom, stepdad, and gf's parents - I recommend the shredded crispy duck.
4. Gift from gf: Season 2, Arrested Development.
5. A win in round one of fantasy football playoffs, assuming Alge Crumpler (pitcured) is held to under 20 points tonight (if he is not, you'll get a teary post from me tomorrow morning).
Caption needed!
Yes, ladies and germs, THE SCHWIZZ is back on line, and in desperate need of a caption for this picture. My top 5 possibilities are:
1. Somehow The Schwizz was able to overcome his severe allergy to strawberries and press on.
2. "I'm not wearing a gay hat for anyone! Wait, you'll do
what??"
3. Little did she know that the hat already matched his underwear.
4. And so Strawberry Shortcake was crossed off The Schwizz's list later that night, right after Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony.
5. Llittle did he know her "freckles" were actually the second stage of syphillis.
So, I was searching the internet for the sleaziest picture that I could find, when I came across this photo of the Scwizz and Toasty Joe. Apparently it's from a pilot for a late night 70's adult cop drama called "Chips Dips Chains Whips".
