Of Buses and Crackheads

So Sonny and I went to the Giants game on Saturday evening - a fine game all around, though a bit chilly up in Section 332. But it was not until the bus ride back until the fun really began. I don't know if the printed word can do this story justice, but let's give it a try.

It all started on the endless bus line outside Gate D (as in Diesel). Sonny and I passed the time spitting sunflower seeds onto the back of the girl in front of us. Eventually, as one bus line turned into ten lines, I had the bright idea of switching from line 1 to line 2, since it looked like bus 2 was going to leave 5 nanoseconds earlier. Not a good move in retrospect.

As we settled into our seats in the second row, we were lucky enough to have two crackheads sitting behind us. Seriously. This couple made Bubb Rubb and Li'l Sis (pictured) sound like Rhodes Scholars. So as Li'l Sis was chatting away behind me ("dub-don' donn'ah do dome, dah dop" is a small sample - I wish I were exaggerating), the bus starts to pull into traffic - whereupon its drivers' side mirror is sheared away by another bus. So Stumpy the Bus Driver, after yelling at the guy to stop, proceeds to call in the incident to his supervisor, and drives on.

That is, until he pulls off the highway ten minutes later and stops at an unknown intersection for an unknown reason in Butt Fuck, NJ. Apparently, he has been told to "stay dere and wait for uh mechanic." This did not sit well with the 75 drunken passengers, who could've been told this fact BEFORE the bus left the stadium, in order to allow them to get on a different bus. Or, as Li'l Sis stated, "doo don' deed do dirrah doo dive dis duss!" Needless to say, druken insults began hurtling from the back of the bus toward Stumpy (my personal favorite: "drive this bus, you fuckin' oompaloompah!!"), who then called his supervisor and told him he had a near-riot on his hands.

It was at this point that Sonny and I escaped from the bus with our lives, desperately flagging down a car from the Butt Fuck NJ Taxi Company to take us into Manhattan. And as we drove into the night, I looked back at the bus, and I could've sworn I heard someone saying "dapp don' dake dah dab dack doo duh ditty!"

Sonny, let me know if I left anything out.

posted by Toasty Joe @ 2:40 PM