Monday, March 02, 2009

Does This Mean I Get Calf Implants Now?

Well, after 5 Years in lovely Hoboken, NJ and another 6 on the Upper East Side, I am embarking upon an adventure to Santa Monica, CA.

New adventures bring whole new observations, so I have decided to resurrect Dancing With the Schwizz as a forum for that is all California.

So I am now sittin at 36,000 feet on a great Virgin America flight that I snuck out on this morning in the middle of the "Storm of the Century" (Wi-Fi is amazing).

I think, since I am moving to a city with Saint in it's name, it is only fitting that I begin the reincarnation of this blog with my signature Top 5 of the Top 5 cities in California with the word Saint in it.

5. Santa Cruz- I mean any town that has a college with the nickname Banana Slugs gets my vote, plus it is close to the world famous Mavericks Big Surf site which is insane
4. San Luis Obispo - Home of Hearst Castle which is incredible
3. San Diego - Great Beach City with some amazing food, and great golf in Torrey Pines where they held the US Open. It also means "Whale's Vagina"
2. Santa Barbara - This is probably one of the wealthier cities in the area, and it is just an awesome place to hang out
1. Santa Monica - I mean, I'm living there, so it has to be the Tops, plus a great gastro pub called Father's Office is amazing

See you 3 hours earlier now.

The Schwizz

Friday, November 03, 2006

The Return of the Automat

This place has been around for a couple of months now, but betwixed inbetween the head shops, tattoo parlors, and all around riff raff that is St. Marks Place sits this little gem called Bamn Foods. In true old school style it is the return of the automat with such delights offered like chicken fingers, mini-burgers, terryiaki chicken sandwich, pork buns, and my personal favorite, the soft serve green tea ice cream.

The concept is simple. Throw 8 quarters into the slot open the screen and pull out a delectable delight. Its fresh, innovative, and quite good. Not to mention, jackpot for the owners, and for the drunken folk that partake in the snacks when the place is open well into its 25th hour of the day.

In any event, I wanted to point this place out to everyone, and then suggest a couple other hot items that they might be able to squeeze into these slots.

5. Fish Sticks
4. Mini Cheese Calzone
3. Mozzerella Stix
2. Crabcake
1. Fried Dumplings or Wontons

Have a good weekend.

The Schwizz

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Blogger Redux

It's been a while since my last post, and I guess after all the shit that went down; me crawling into a bottle for 2 months, the North Korean nuclear test, and now Bob Barker retiring, it just hasn't been a happy time. I tried everything to keep the creative juices going, however it just wasn't there. So I holed up at a dark East Village bar, became an expert at Big Buck Hunter Pro, and got my life back together.

That being said, some inane ramblings that I have observed here in the city over the past several months:

1) New Yorkers don't know how to commute on a subway. Four words, "Move the Fuck In"
2) Is it me, or are those leggings that have become fashion forward again really not made for fat girls to wear
3) The Mets were a pretty damn good team this year, the Giants are on their way, and the Knicks are a train wreck that will make for some great reality television.
4) Pabst is the new Bud?, Patron is the new Grey Goose?, Rum is still just for faggy Pina Coladas, and umbrella drinks
5) Lost is still a kick ass show, and Prison Break is slowly trumping 24, until Jack Bauer saves us from The Alien attack season, which will be led by Tom Cruise, and a regenerated L. Ron Hubbard

So, in honor of coming back, and our most lovable guy, Bob Barker (remember to have your pets spaid or neuetered you sick man), a new Top 5 of your favorite game shows of old and new.

5. Deal or No Deal - Excitement, Odds, Hot Briefcase Girls, and Howie Mandel!!
4. Card Sharks - Higher, Higher, Lower, Higher, Now Freeeeeeeze!
3. Matchgame - Goldberg's Girlfriend is so fat....How fat is she??
2. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - "Final Answer?" - Yes Assmunch
1. Press Your Luck - Look at those little monkeys Dancin around, No Whammeeees!

Til Next time.....The Schwizz

Monday, June 26, 2006

"Somebody's Got a Case of the Mundaze"

Ahh, another glorious weekend in the rain soaked Northeast. The Mets took 2 of 3 from the Jays. the Yanks need to pick it up a little for this Subway Series thing to happen, Andy Irons won his event in Mexico with a sick 5 foot air of the lip of a 5 foot wave, Ukraine and Ghana are through to the second round, and England is going to have an epic match against Portugal this weekend.

In other news, Deadwood is an underrated show, Entourage gets better and better (I'll IM you late night babe, Ciao"), and one of the best movies that all should see is "Team America". For all the bitching and moaning and partisan politics in the world today, this is just a classic look at what a farce it all is. With all the classic lines, elaborate puppet sets, and Great Musical soundtrack, it just is top notch. One classic line:

"Chris: [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
[Gary stops and listens]
Chris: I couldn't wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and... I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.

Lastly, all who have XBox 360 should buy the Rockstar Games Ping Pong Game. It is awesome.

That's it for now.

Friday, June 23, 2006

The Final 16

I just want to give everyone a little treat and a little recap today. The above photo is of our boy Andy Irons. He is currently competing in an ASP event in Mexico where they are battling the Final 16 today. If anyone is fascinated by those crazy surf videos, feel free to watch a little live all day today on your computer. Speaking of surfing, all should go to Ditch Plains in West Village. Excellent place.

Now onto the other Final 16. As predicted to everyone by The Schwizz, the USA met their demise yesterday to a fierce and fast Ghana team that was playing without two of its best players. Also, as predicted by The Schwizz, Ghana was the first of my two sleepers to move through to the second round. My other sleeper, Ukraine is playing right now and will move through with a tie.

Briefly on the USA. For one to think that the USA should even sniff the World #5 ranking, it is ludicrous. When your best player and lone striker only plays for Fulham (albeit a Premiership team), you just can't expect to have a good tourney. I mean, Ghana's best player plays for Chelsea, South Korea has a guy on Man U, Ivory Coast has players on Top Teams, and Brazil has bench players that start for La Liga squads.

The Czechs are great, but a disappointment, Italy played lazy against us, and Ghana is legitimately good. If not for a second round match up with Brazil, they had a shot to sniff the QF's. Bottom line, the US is a nice squad, but they don't have the foot skills, nor the speed to match up with these full squad clubs in the World Cup. A fresh legged Eddie Johnson (the supposed fastest player for the US, couldn't even beat out a tired out Ghanian (sic) player in the 75th minute yesterday.

So therefore, it brings us to some amazing matchups in the second round. Because there are only 8, my Top 3 Round of 16 games.

3. Argentina v. Mexico - this will be hard fought, but the boys in powder blue will take it
2. Germany v. Sweden - Sweden has the squad to upset the hosts, should be a phenomenal game
1. Portugal v. Netherlands - could be the match of the tournament if not for a Brazil v. Spain potential QF matchup

Lastly, I want to giuve a shout out to the New York Mets. Toasty Joe is doing a meticulous job of his analysis of this year. Bottom line, these guys are fantastic, and they are fun to watch. So for all those Mets fans, don't get too greedy and have a lot of fun and drink a lot of beers while riding these guys to the playoffs. And to all the Yankees fans, see you in the Subway Series in October. Now that will be fun.


Friday, June 09, 2006

The Day is Finally Upon Us

Yes, while many of us sit on our couches or barstools watching boring basketball or discussing the merits of the 5oth game of the Major League Baseball season, there is something upon us today that gets me very excited. No, its not those awesome teen dramas that they keep pumping out on the likes of WB and Fox, but the 2006 World Cup.

For many of you, you couldn't tell me who this guy was on this page right now, but you can check this out and see that he is pretty damn good. In fact, he is the best player in the world right now. Ronaldinho, leading a squad from Brazil that is sure to entertain and delight us.

You see, it is widely known that the World Cup will draw a cumulative worldwide audience of 30 billion people this year, with about 1 billion just watching the final on TV. Compare that with the Super Bowl (93 million), and it just absolutely dwarfs it.

So, this is my suggestion. Take time out of your busy schedules of work and debating the merits of trading Lastings Milledge or whether Jeter being out might hurt the Yankees, and watch a little World Cup. You'll be a better person for it. Hell, ABC, ESPN, ESPN2 is playing every match, so it is hard to miss this time around.

And that brings to me my new and improved Top 4. We're revising it to rank the Winner through 4th place at this year's World Cup.

4. Sweden - my dark horse sleeper, they've been there before
3. Argentina - they are terrific, but don't think they have all the horses
2. Germany - they've got the goalkeeping, and they should have Ballack back, are the hosts
1. Brazil - really went out on a limb here which means they will lose, but how can you not pick these guys. Just look at the damn roster

Sleepers - Ukraine, Ghana

Two hours and 15 minutes to kickoff, get ready.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Gummy Revolution

In one of my many completely inane conversations while boozing my way around Cape Cod this weekend, it was queried by one of my compadres if the Gummy Bear had actually started what we coined "The Gummy Revolution".

He thought clearly the "bear" was the predecessor to all that we know as Gummy. The worm, coke bottle, ring, were all just mere afterthoughts compared to that lovable gooey piece of gelatin ursus.

Thus spawned a debate of when the bear was even made and when could have the Revolution began. It was even suggested that the Swedish Fish could have started the Revolution. Well, we all know that the Fish is only quasi-gummy and that it couldn't have even come close to rewriting history along those lines.

After a careful examination of the facts, or those loose interpretations from whomever wants to post on wikipedia, I have determined that Bears could have never started a Gummy Revolution since they were the founding fathers of the Gummy World. If anything, there could be a war between Gummy Bears and Swedish Fish since they were produced at about the same time.

Therefore, I think the only logical conclusion would be that the Gummy Worm started the Revolution since it was the first product after the Bear. As one can see we now have everything from Gummy Hamburgers to French Fries. This was clearly a response to the Worms being established. It is clear that the worm and its production company Trolli are totally responsible for the outbreak of Gummy.

However, the Bear will always be the George Washington of Gummy. I mean there was a cartoon show made after them for god's sake. So I guess the question of the day becomes, what is it, Gummy Or Swedish Fish?

The Schwizz